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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27805798">Supermodel // Phan</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffee_Lester/pseuds/Coffee_Lester'>Coffee_Lester</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cheating, M/M, Neglect</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:28:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27805798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffee_Lester/pseuds/Coffee_Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester feels emotionally neglected by his boyfriend. Maybe he can find more comfort in his boyfriend's best friend, Dan Howell.</p><p>Based on the first song of the CTRL album by SZA</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell &amp; Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was so troubling, being a teen. I felt so out of place there ... in school, at home... in my own body...</p><p>The pressure to be a good student. To be social and likable. To be attractive and straight.</p><p>I was never any of that and you saw that. And you didn't care.</p><p>You were my friend when I realized I like girls only half as much as I liked guys. And then I realized I might like you. You pulled me out of my shell when you saw I was afraid. I realized I definitely liked you. You made feel hot when I felt ugly. I realized I loved you.</p><p>That's probably where I fucked up, thinking back on it now...</p><p>The day I asked you out was the most nerve-wracking experience of my life. It nearly broke me when you turned me down in favor of our friendship. Of course I pretended to understand just so I could be close to you in any way I still could. I cried myself to sleep that night.<br/>
I never told anyone.</p><p>The first time you got a girlfriend I wanted to die. You seemed so happy with her. She made you happy in ways I thought I couldn't. I pretended to be happy for you.</p><p>I still remember the first night you and her had a fight and you confided in me. I was so happy. It took everything in me to keep my sympathetic composure and not break out smiling as if I'd won the lottery.</p><p>And the night the fighting became too much and she told you she needed a break, you came to me. You confided in me again. Only this time on a more intimate level. That night I could swear I was blessed by the Erotes.</p><p>As you continued to betray her, I fell deeper in love with you. I should've known better. I was so stupid then I could laugh. I didn't care that what we did was hurting her. I didn't care that what we did hurt me as well. I loved you and I wanted so much more of you than just your sex and your friendship. But, you didn't want that and I would have you anyway I could.</p><p>When she finally had enough, she left you and I was happy because I got to be the one to pick up your pieces when she broke you. I loved you so much. Back then, if you told me to sell my home and runaway with you I probably would have found a way to make both of those things happen despite being a teenager.</p><p>Yeah I was really stupid back then. If only I could see where I am now; if only I knew how you'd make me feel now.</p><p>After we graduated, you finally decided to put a label on our relationship and I thought I was the luckiest boy in the world. "What did I ever do to deserve you," I thought.</p><p>I loved you so much and now... and now I'm pretty damn sure I could set you on fire at any moment.</p><p>Now all we ever do is fight and it's always about the smallest things. It's almost as if you're trying to keep me at a distance. You never wanna go on dates or do anything fun together. You only wanna stay home. Watch tv and maybe cuddle. Although if I'm being honest, it feels like you only do it just to appease me so you won't feel obligated to do much else. It's like you only want to fuck me and use me as your feelings dump.</p><p>I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Maybe things were better when we were just friends. Maybe we should've never met, I don't know. I'm just tired. You never think about how I'm feeling, it's always about you and being with your friends.</p><p>Maybe I should just stop caring. Maybe then you'll see how it feels. You'll know what it's like being treated like a doormat or a throw pillow. You expect me to give you comfort whenever you need it and you throw me away when you're done with me. And like an idiot, I let you do this to me. I share just as much of the blame.</p><p>I loved you so much, Thomas... and I don't know how I feel about you now.</p><p>"Phil, I'm going out," he shouted from the other room, not letting me know where he's going of course.</p><p>This always bugs me. He knows I want to know, he knows it worries me when he leaves and doesn't come back hours and I'm left to wonder if it's even worth the trouble.</p><p>I look up from my journal with a blank, straightforward stare, devoid of every emotion except apathy and disappointment because at this point I don't care that he's leaving again, I don't care that he's slowly breaking me, slowly chipping away at any love I might have left for him. Yet, I am once again mentally kicking myself for letting it happen.</p><p>"Do you know when you'll be back?" I pry, knowing full-well what kind of answer I'll get. I know I'll be ignored or shrugged off.</p><p>"I don't know, whenever I get back I guess."</p><p>So, it was the latter this time. "Right, right... see you when you get back then I guess."</p><p>"Yeah, right."</p><p>"I love you..."</p><p>No response. It's always like this. Unless the sound of a door shutting, leaving me lonely with my thoughts is just his way of saying 'I love you' these days.</p><p>I deserve better, don't I? I do, right?</p><p>I made him dinner, he said he didn't like it, we argued for an hour over what to eat, he tried to end the argument with sex, I told him I wasn't in the mood, he got mad, and now here we are. I go off to write my thoughts in my journal like usual and he goes off to god knows where like usual.</p><p>What am I even still doing this for? It's obvious he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever truly did, and I'm barely hanging by a thread.</p><p>I could leave him. He wouldn't have anyone to walk all over anymore. No shoulder to cry on.</p><p>He would be the broken one.</p><p>And then I would be alone...</p><p>No one to tell me I look sexy, no one to tell me they need me when they're sad... I'm not good for much else. How could I possibly leave him when I don't even know who I am without him?</p><p>I date my journal and close it as an attempt to put an end to my recurring intrusive thoughts. I eat the dinner I made for us, and put away Thomas' meal for later. He said he didn't like it, but he'll be pissed later when he comes back and he didn't get to try it and I'm not in the mood to have that argument.</p><p>I feel kinda gross and sweaty from the heat of the argument causing my anxiety to go up, so I take a shower after I clean the kitchen. A few hours after I had finally gone to bed, I hear the door to my room creek open slowly and I already know it's him.</p><p>He climbs into bed and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling my body closer to his and resting his head on mine. I can feel him inhale my scent. It almost offends me that he thinks he's earned this or deserves this.</p><p>"I love you, Phil."</p><p>Fuck you.</p><p>That's not what I want to hear.</p><p>"Phil... you awake?"</p><p>You only love that I let you do this to me. You know it wouldn't be the same with anyone else.</p><p>I'm so pathetic...</p><p>"... I love you, too."</p><p>I think at this point that's mostly a lie.</p><p>He kisses me on the cheek and falls asleep, seeming to have no care in the world how I'm truly feeling inside.</p><p>He doesn't know he's holding onto a broken shell of a lover with only a drop of love left.</p><p>I don't fall asleep until and hour after he does and I wake up before he does. I need a change of scenery for a moment as I've suddenly begun to feel crowded in my own home.</p><p>I leave before he wakes up and go for a walk. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know when I'm coming back. I know I just don't want to be here right now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This was a mistake. I should've just stayed in bed with that bastard. I may hate him at the moment, but at least the bed was warm.</p><p>Damn my melodramatic self for acting without thinking. Oh, and I have no idea where I am. I don't know what I expected when I decided to leave the house at the butt of dawn in the middle of fall with no actual idea of where I wanted to go other than away from my shit boyfriend.</p><p>Great. Real fucking great.</p><p>I haven't had any coffee yet either so I'm cranky as hell and I can already feel a headache coming on. Yeah, this just isn't my morning.</p><p>Maybe I should just text him and tell him to come get me. He's probably worried.</p><p>Yeah, right. What the hell would make me think that?</p><p>I walk a little further down the crowded pavement, realizing that not only am I craving coffee, I'm a little hungry as well. I pass a few good food shops and stop when a thought comes to mind. </p><p>What if he gets mad and wants to leave me? I can't let that happen. I frantically search for my phone, somehow forgetting which pocket I had placed it in before I left. For a split second I fear I had forgotten it at home all together. I feel it in my inner coat pocket and a wave of relief washes over me when I pull it out.</p><p>That feeling of relief is quickly cut short when a passerby accidentally knocks it out of my hand. The screen breaks upon impact and my sanity nearly goes with it.</p><p>I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.</p><p>It only gets worse as it continues to be trampled on by strangers. I think I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna scream. I'm gonna cry or scream. Or die. I don't what I'm gonna do, but I know it's gonna be ugly.</p><p>Before I could even react some guy picks up my abused cellular device and hands it to me.</p><p>"I am so fucking sorry, sir, I promise I'll pay for it."</p><p>I could kill you.</p><p>"Don't worry about it. I think just the screen is cracked." I laughed slightly, a bit laced with anxiety and anger.</p><p>"Uh, m-my name's Dan- D-Dan," he stuttered.</p><p>I don't really care. You just broke my phone and possibly ruined my relationship.</p><p>"Right, well I really should be going then. Goodbye, Daniel."</p><p>I flash a quick fake smile before I attempt to speed walk off.</p><p>"What the- no, I said my name's Dan. Just Dan," he stops me, grabbing me by the arm. I blow out a quick and silent breath and role my eyes before whipping my head around, concealing my immediate irritation. "Hey, can I take you to get coffee? And maybe you're name, too?"</p><p>Hmm...</p><p>My mostly expressionless facade gradually faded to show narrowed eyes and half of a smirk. I probably sent shivers down his spine, he looked a little freaked out as he let my arm go, finally, and slightly regretting his offer.</p><p>"Fine. You're lucky you're cute."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan lead us to a coffee shop he swears is 'to die for' and I couldn't agree more. Why? Cats! A fucking cat cafe. Don't get me wrong I love cats and pretty much every other animal to walk this earth, except for horses of course. I'm just a allergic as hell.</p><p>Despite this, I elect to withhold this very important fact for the sole purpose of getting coffee and breakfast, that he is paying for, as soon as possible while getting to look at live cats in the process.</p><p>I'm a simple human being.</p><p>"I can't apologize enough for what I did to your phone. Probably fucked your day up I bet, huh," Dan rambled on.</p><p>Hmm...</p><p>Yeezys. Really?</p><p>"... uhh... yeah. It's fine..." I respond almost absentmindedly.</p><p>Clearly I wasn't paying attention in favor of his rather atrocious choice of footwear.</p><p>"Phil are you alright?"</p><p>"What? Yeah, why?"</p><p>"You've been coughing since we got here..."</p><p>Hm. Guess I have.</p><p>"You're not allergic to cats, are you?" he asked.</p><p>"I am, but it's not deadly. It's just a bad cough and some rashes maybe."</p><p>"Oh my god why the fuck would you let me take you here then?"</p><p>"I'm hungry and I hadn't had my coffee yet."</p><p>"You've also been checking your phone an awful lot. Was there somewhere you needed to be?"</p><p>"You ask a lot of questions."</p><p>"No, not really. I'm just in a bad place in my relationship and just sort of left without saying anything. Even though he does that to me like all the freaking time I still feel really bad and I just keep getting this nagging feeling that I should call him or text or I don't something at least, but he hasn't contacted me yet, so that must mean that he doesn't... actually care... at all"</p><p>Great. Now I'm pouring my crappy life story out to a stranger.</p><p>"Are you sure you even love him?"</p><p>More questions. How about I just stop answering now.</p><p>I sip my coffee to fill the silence.</p><p>"So... that's a maybe. Good. Now, I know I have a chance."</p><p>And with that, I nearly choke on my coffee. Now, I'm coughing more than my damn allergies were already making me.</p><p>"Relax, relax. I'm joking with you." He laughs at me.</p><p>Yeah, whatever. Fuck you. I wanna leave.</p><p>"Ahh hahaa," I laugh awkwardly, "yes, well, I should probably get going-"</p><p>"Hey, wait," he stops me as I getting up to leave. "Seriously though, can I have your number? I'd really like to talk to you again, preferably in a better environment for the both of us."</p><p>Hmm... that smile. He's lucky he's so damn cutest or I wouldn't have given him the time of day.</p><p>I give him my number and find my way back home. I've been gone for five hours. Do you think he missed me? Do you think his body ached in my absence? Yearned for my touch... ?</p><p>Please. Get real, Phil.</p><p>I unlock the door to my apartment and call out. "Thomas?"</p><p>Nothing. Of course.</p><p>He's either asleep or out. In other words, probably hasn't even noticed I was gone.</p><p>I walk into my room and there he sits, upright, wide awake, my journal in hand. So not only did this bastard just ignore me, he went through my shit as well. He promised he would never do that.</p><p>"What are you doing?" I ask, still standing in the doorway.</p><p>"Where were you? I was worried sick." He said in a monotone voice that threatened to tremble.</p><p>"Were you really?"</p><p>'Worried sick' my ass. "Why are you going through my things?"</p><p>"You don't love me anymore."</p><p>Oh no. Not this. Not now...</p><p>"... What gave you that idea?" I pretend not to know.</p><p>"Here," he gestures with my journal still in his fucking hand, "right here. You wrote that - in so many words."</p><p>I really don't know what he wants me to say or do here. Deny it? When I'm not even sure? I definitely don't like you right now, but wouldn't that just be cruel of me to admit.</p><p>"What do you want from me... Thomas... ?"</p><p>"What? What are you-"</p><p>"I really don't want to get into this right now. I know exactly how this is gonna go - down to the T. So... why don't we just skip to the part where you storm off for hours or days on end without a word because we both know you don't really give a shit about what I have to say."</p><p>He stands there stunned. My journal is still in his fucking hand. I'm still pissed off.</p><p>"Who is he?" Thomas angrily accuses me, his mouth forming a line, his eyes looking dead serious as he sounds paranoid.</p><p>"What- Who is who? What the fuck are you talking bout?"</p><p>"You left for hours and didn't say anything. You never do that. You're hiding something, aren't you?"</p><p>How dare you...</p><p>"You know what? How about I save you the trouble and I just walk out this time because I am so fucking done with you right now."</p><p>He says nothing as I approach him hastily to snatch my journal from his hand before taking my leave.</p><p>I'm so mad. Who am I even mad at? Him? My phone? That bastard who broke it this morning? Myself? All of the above? It doesn't fucking matter I just have to get out of here. This time maybe longer than four hours.</p><p>I call my mother and let her know that I'll be staying with her for a while. She's never been too fond of Thomas and now I see why. Wish I had listened to her earlier when she said I could do better.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I've been at my mum's house for a week and Thomas has been calling me nonstop. The first three days of my stay I would pick up. But, I've grown tired of every conversation becoming an argument. It gave me and my mother a headache. Now I just ignore it.</p><p>My Phone goes off alerting me I have a text and my mother calls me from the other room to tell me. "Who's this Daniel that's been blowing up your phone?" she teased.</p><p>"Just a friend," I admit. " we met on the street when he knocked my phone out of my hand."</p><p>"He seems to really like you?"</p><p>I could feel her grinning and it irritated me. "Mum, we talked about this. Leave it."</p><p>"Oh, hush. You've been with Thomas for ages-"</p><p>"And you've been with dad how long?" I retaliate sarcastically and leave to the next room over. She follows me.</p><p>"What your father and I have together is good. We love each other dearly and that didn't just happen. We felt something and we worked to maintain it for decades. What you two have isn't healthy!" She's right and I knew it before she said that. I just don't wanna hear it. "This Daniel seems really into you. I think you should give it a shot."</p><p>Dan and I have been talking since I got his number and he doesn't seem really into me, he is. He's implied it a few times himself. And while he is very cute, I'm not interested.</p><p>"I've already got a boyfriend. I just want a friend right now. We're just going through a rough time right now." My mum wasn't hearing it. "It'll work itself out I just need a break right now."</p><p>"Alright, then go back to him, let him fuck you," god I hate when she talks like this, "leave you alone for hours and only come back to argue or cuddle."</p><p>That's always what happens. I know it's wrong, but I can't leave him. I don't want him to leave me. She'll never understand why.</p><p>"You're not happy, love."</p><p>She's not wrong of course. And of course I should probably listen to her for once and give Dan a chance.</p><p>... Maybe I should actually do it this time.</p><p>I look at the messages shared between Dan and I for a moment and finally decide to call him. My mom watches as the phone rings and I can tell she was trying very hard to hide how drunk and giddy she is about finally getting her way. I let her have her moment. I'm too tired to play coy right now.</p><p>He finally picks up.</p><p>"... didn't expect to hear from you."</p><p>'I'm being held at gun point' I begrudgingly stop myself from saying. "Uh, right. Um... are you free? Saturday?"</p><p>Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes so I can hang up the phone and go back to sleep.</p><p>"... yea- Yeah! I-I... I mean sure! Totally. Yes. Definitely, um... but-but what brought this on... I th-thought you had a boyfriend... ?"</p><p>"Sooo, I'll pick you up at 8?" I ask, ignoring his question. I can see my mother doing a little victory dance out the corner of my eye so I turn away completely out of annoyance. Too many things have been annoying me lately. I need a break.</p><p>"y-Yeah,Yes! I'll- I should be ready by then. I think. Thank you, thank you so much, Phil. You won't regret it."</p><p>"Right. Bye."</p><p>"Oh, bye!-"</p><p>I hang up finally. That was exhausting. I need a drink.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Saturday came too soon. My hands keep shaking, I'm sweating waterfalls from my pits, I couldn't sleep thinking about today. Needless to say I'm very fucking nervous.</p><p>I'm dressed up in a red plaid shirt with a black blazer and a black jeans. My socks are mismatched and my shoes are jet black converses. I don't know what casual looks like, but I hope it's this.</p><p>It's almost 7:30 p.m. and I feel like I'm melting beneath my knees. I really hope this goes well.</p><p>My mum wishes me good luck on my way out. I roll my eyes with a smile and I tell her I love her before I go. Just in case he's a murderer I want them to be my last words.</p><p>Dramatic. I know. I have my reasons.</p><p>I arrived at his apartment in less than half an hour and I can already see him walking down the steps. He's fidgety. And I see him nearly trip over his feet at least twice. He must be just as nervous as I am.</p><p>"Sorry I'm late. My roommate and I got into a weird argument," Dan went on as he opened the door and got in the car. I caught a whiff of his shampoo when he leaned in slightly. He smells so... pleasant.</p><p>Alright. I guess I can make nice conversation on our way there. "... What was the argument?"</p><p>"... Well, he went out to get groceries and there was a two for one deal on two different brands of crisps, but we both felt it was a little ridiculous to get four bags when there's only two of us. It was really spicy Cheetos against really chilli potato crisps or whatever the fuck it was that PJ wanted and since it was my money I figured we go with my choice for now. But PJ claims he hates Cheetos all of a sudden because they 'look weird' and 'aren't even hot enough' which is bullshit because even if it's not that hot everyone knows it's for the flavor mostly-"</p><p>Oh my god.</p><p>"So then he decided to just get popcorn which would've been fine if it wasn't fucking salt and vinegar. I mean who the hell even eats that shit? People with dead taste buds?"</p><p>Ohhh myyy god.</p><p>"Like, I'm not weird right? Like, he really could've gotten any other flavor. I love him, but he needs to understand his crisps better."</p><p>What the fuck does that even meeeean, oh my god.</p><p>The ride was thirty minutes. He spent thirty minutes, talking to me, about crisps. Such a ... joy... he is... yeah.</p><p>PJ... that name sounds... familiar. But I can't for the life of me remember why.</p><p>"So, your boyfriend. What happened between you two," He pried, "did you break up?"</p><p>I cut off a piece of my steak and eat it. "More or less."</p><p>"What does that mean?" he chuckles.</p><p>"He hasn't exactly been the most... present boyfriend. My mum thinks I need an upgrade. I figured why not." I admit.</p><p>"So... what made you say yes?"</p><p>"I think you're cute... and that my mother might be right." And here I go talking about my feelings when they don't matter. "I don't know maybe I'm being cruel, maybe I shouldn't have left... but I wanna try something new. So, I guess we'll just figure it out as we go."</p><p>"You wanna try things out with me?"</p><p>I Just Said That like not even five seconds ago. I'm not repeating myself.</p><p>"I'd like to get to know you better."</p><p>I can see him blushing. That's adorable. I guess.</p><p>"What do you wanna know?"</p><p>"What was your last relationship like?"</p><p>"Oh, dear... that's gonna get heavy. Next question?"</p><p>That says a lot. Probably best I don't pry that out of him in a public place. "Do you talk to your parents?"</p><p>"Yeah. I don't see them as often as I use to, but I love them."</p><p>"How would your friends describe you?" God, what am I doing, what are these questions.</p><p>"Annoying... probably," he laughed. "Depressed. Funny, I hope. Tries too hard to be a philosophical memelord."</p><p>Alright. I've decided I like his smile. And his laugh may or may not be to die for. "Favorite video games?"</p><p>"Crash bandicoot. Undertale. Skyrim."</p><p>"Ever wanna get married? And have kids?"</p><p>"Maybe. Probably yes. I don't think I've ever been with anyone who's made me think hard enough about it though."</p><p>"Do you ever fuck on the first date?"</p><p>"Do you?"</p><p>"... I've been in a relationship since I was 16."</p><p>"... I have. Once or twice. Sometimes it's... nice to start over for a brief moment. For two hours feel like I've fallen in love and we've been together for decades. For two hours who we are, who we were and what we've done, what we've been through... it doesn't matter. Then it's over and I can move on."</p><p>"Sounds like you've done that more than twice."</p><p>I can feel him tense up and lean away slightly. "Relax. I'm not judging. I fell in love with a man who was already taken, who might not love me anymore... if he ever did..." I can feel myself about to cry. Time to change the subject. "Play any instruments? I use to play the violin."</p><p>I only just now notice he's been staring at me with awe. Was it something I said? "Dan? Are you alright?"</p><p>That snapped him out of it. I think he was about to cry, too.</p><p>"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm fine it's just... um, yeah! Yeah, I uh... I can play piano. I'm not very good at it though."</p><p>Is he being modest? That's cute, but playing the piano is still awesome no matter how good. "Can I hear you play some time?"</p><p>"I guess," he laughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if you lost interest in me afterwards."</p><p>"Look at it this way. I don't know much about music. So, if you're as bad as you say, I can't tell the difference."</p><p>"Alright, Lester. I'll take you up on that."</p><p>There's that smile again. I think I always wanna see him smile. "Wanna go back my place?"</p><p>"... And do what?" He asked in a seductive voice.</p><p>"And meet my mum...?" I responded with the same tone.</p><p>Neither of us could help bursting out laughing. "I'm staying with her so I can avoid my..." I started laughing again, "well, I don't really know what he is too me at the moment, but I'm avoiding him. Wanna come?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I took Dan home with me. He met my mother and my father. I had no idea dad was going to be home that night, but it was fine. My mum, I could tell she prefers Dan as my boyfriend already. I'm not sure if he will be my boyfriend, but I think I like him, too.</p><p>Truth be told that scares me a little.</p><p>The only love I've ever known was Thomas'. What if it's not worth it? What if I'm just worse off with everyone else and this is as good as it gets for me... being with him?</p><p>I really don't wanna think about that right now.</p><p>I explain to Dan that I wasn't ready to have sex with anyone else yet. He unnderstood and I was grateful. So, he stayed the night and held me in his arms. They felt so much more warm. He was gone in the morning. I saw the message he sent me: "I had a great time last night. Can we do it again?"</p><p>I texted him back, "I'd love to."</p><p>For a moment I felt really good about where I was in life. I felt like I could move on from Thomas. I felt like I could actually have happiness.</p><p>I'm so fucking stupid.</p><p>Three minutes after I sent that text, Dan replied with a picture. My heart dropped when I saw who it was.</p><p>"... is this the guy you're avoiding?<br/>Is he your boyfriend?"</p><p>I heard a knock on the door followed by my mother yelling  "I'll get it" from the other room. The knocking became louder and heavier.</p><p>"Phil?! I know you're in there! C'mon just talk to me babe. We can work this out I promise. Just open the door."</p><p>My mum stood there staring like she was ready for him to try something. I opened the door instead and he dropped to the ground in tears, I can't tell how real they are, embracing me at my waste. I stood there staring straight ahead, in too much emotional shock to process anything happening.</p><p>"Please... come home, Phil..." he sobbed."</p><p>"... ... ..."</p><p>"I promise we can talk about everything when we get home just please-"</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>I couldn't see my mother's face, but I could feel her pity. I'm so fucking pathetic. I hate myself.</p><p>"... r-really, really? You'll come home? Like, right now, babe?.." he sniffled. God he's such an ugly crier. Couldn't even bring myself to look at him.</p><p>Three hours later and I'm back 'home' with Thomas. He really ruins everything for me. I hate him so much... but he's all I have and ... I just can't let him go.</p><p>Dan texts me again even though I never replied. I guess he took my silence as answer enough.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Phil <br/>I didn't know."</p><p>"How do you know him?" I reply finally.</p><p>"He's my friend. We've known each other for three years. He never talked about his live life to any of us."</p><p>"This is all my fault. <br/>We can't talk anymore. I'm sorry I did this to you."</p><p>"Phil, calm down.<br/>We can still be friends <br/>Just don't tell him about us."</p><p>"I'm not cheating on my boyfriend with his friend."</p><p>"That's not what I meant. I'll come over so we can hang out like normal as friends. He doesn't have to know how we met or that we actually knew each other before."</p><p>"Fine whatever.<br/>Do what you want."</p><p>"Alright I'm going to bed.<br/>Goodnight."</p><p>"Night."</p><p>I'm so exhausted. I crash on the bed with all my clothes still on. In not in the mood to change.</p><p>"Phil..." Thomas calls me from the other side of the room.</p><p>"What do you want. I'm tired go to bed."</p><p>"Phil, we need to talk."</p><p>"No. I need to sleep. Leave me alone."</p><p>Thomas sighs and leaves the room. About fucking time. I close my eyes and rest. I feel so cold. A weird kind of cold. I don't want a blanket. I don't wanna turn the heat up.</p><p>I wish Dan was here. I wish he was here and never left.</p><p>I hardly know him.</p><p>I wish we could be together forever.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas and his friends, Dan Anthony, and PJ, are here. They spent the night. he claims he's seeing a therapist and has decided to me more 'open' about things. He chose to start with letting his friends meet me.</p><p>I think it's bullshit of course, but what does that matter now.</p><p>I made them breakfast. I went for a walk. And now I'm at a coffee shop. I've never met his friends before. And he's never told them about me. I still don't understand why that is. I can't stand being there right now. Dan is there, and they all seem to be hiding something. I just can't figure out what. I'm not really sure if I care.</p><p>Let me back up a moment.</p><p>A month ago, I attempted to leave my boyfriend and it only lasted for a week. I almost fucked his best friend and now we have a crush on each other. Unfortunately, I'm still with Thomas because I'm a pathetic piece of shit who can't handle love and life without an emotionally negligent asshole, my boyfriend. Yay.</p><p>They're all going away soon holiday. Vegas. I didn't want to go. Thomas doesn't want me to go either even if he pretends he does.</p><p>Dan wants me to go. The only reason he's staying is because I'm staying. What an idiot. He knows I'm never gonna leave Thomas. He should just give up on me. I already have.</p><p>Thomas is calling me. I let it go to voicemail. I don't know if I'm doing it too often as of late, but I'm just really not in the mood to talk to him let alone over the phone when I have the option to ignore him with him knowing.</p><p>I'm probably being mean. Maybe should call him back</p><p>Dan calls me next.</p><p>Okay, I guess I can talk to you.</p><p>"What do you want?" I ask, answering quite rudely.</p><p>"I wanna see you where are you?"</p><p>"Where are you? It's loud as hell on your end."</p><p>"Don't dodge the question."</p><p>"At the cafe you took me to after you vandalized my property."</p><p>"Right, okay," he laughed. "I'm gonna meet you there so don't leave."</p><p>"I've already got one foot out the door, babe." I hang up the phone with a smile. I can feel it it's a soft smile. A smile I once felt across my face when I was young and in love. Gosh, Thomas really doesn't mean shit to me anymore... except everything... only sometimes.</p><p>God I'm annoying.</p><p>Jesus, he got here so quick. I could tell he walked. He's a panting mess.</p><p>"Took you long enough," I sarcastically greet him from my seat.</p><p>"The bus would've taken longer, trust me." He sits down and slides me a note.</p><p>"What's this, a love letter? Are you four?"</p><p>"Shut up. Open it."</p><p>It's an invitation to his house. He's going to make dinner and play music for me. Oh, that's right. He plays piano.</p><p>I snorted. "You're smooth."</p><p>"... Will you come?"</p><p>"Yeah... yeah, I'll come. As a friend who has a boyfriend and wants a dinner and a show." I teased.</p><p>"A friend who has fallen out of love with their boyfriend."</p><p>I press my lips together to a straight line. "Still taken, nonetheless."</p><p>"... Right."</p><p>"He's still you're friend. You're best friend."</p><p>"Who never told us about you."</p><p>"Mmm but, he told you all... something... didn't he?"</p><p>He sighs. "This again."</p><p>"Yes, 'this.' Again. We've been together for over a decade and for some reason, I don't know what, he never thought to mention the supposed love of his life to his best friends. That's not weird to you? What would you think?"</p><p>"Look if it matters so much then why don't you just leave him?"</p><p>No... we're not going there...</p><p>"And what? Date you? I hardly know you."</p><p>"And, yet, you're already in love with me after a month of knowing me, I'm flattered! Honestly."</p><p>"Fuck you, Dan. I don't love you, I just wanted a break and you were there. Nothing more, nothing less." Shut the duck up, you filthy liar.</p><p>"Right, And I'll always be there. And here. When they leave for Vegas, I'll be home, cooking you a meal, and preparing you a song. It's up to you if you're gonna make it."</p><p>And with that, he left. I'm still here. Drinking my coffee that has gone cold. So cold. I feel... so cold. I order another cup along with two donuts before I leave.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been two days since Dan asked me to come over. Two more weeks until my boyfriend And his friends leave for Vegas. Two more weeks til I have to make a decision.</p><p>Fuck. Me.</p><p>"I'd really love it if you came, babe."</p><p>"I'm not in the mood, Thomas."</p><p>I walk away from him and into the bed room, looking through my drawers for my journal.</p><p>"Yeah, you're never in the mood and I'm always trying."</p><p>Bullshit. "Trying to do what, exactly?" I roll my eyes.</p><p>"To talk, Phil, we still need to talk."</p><p>"About what, Thomas?" I ask in an annoyed tone.</p><p>"... I don't."</p><p>"You don't? You're bothering me an awful lot to not know."</p><p>"I just feel like you hate me all of a sudden."</p><p>"Really? You think?"</p><p>"Damn it, Phil, will you just look at me?!" he yells at me.</p><p>I stop looking, stand up straight and turn to him just as he pleases. He must have picked up on how angry I am, his whole demeanor changed quickly from an irritated man child to a scared little bitch. "You were saying?"</p><p>"Please, Phil... talk to me."</p><p>Alright. I'll give him what he wants. I'll... play along.</p><p>"It was really nice meeting your friends. Nice to know they exist. We've been together for years and I'm just now seeing them. Although it's odd you think that explains why you would leave for hours without telling me where you went and who you were with. It's weird you think seeing a therapist means I should forgive you. It's silly you think I'm too stupid to realize the only reason you did this is to feel like the good guy when I left."</p><p>"I'm not a goddamn dog, Philip. You don't to keep me on a leash!"</p><p>"That's rich coming from you, who freaked out when I left for only a couple hours."</p><p>"You never do that, okay, I was worried. There's nothing wrong that."</p><p>"You know I just really want you to go! Please!... you're stressing me out and I," I sighed, "just go."</p><p>I have a headache.</p><p>Thomas leaves and I feel a third of the tension lift from the air. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.</p><p>I find my journal finally, sit down and begin writing about my feelings.</p><p>Dan shows up about an hour later, after Thomas left for work. "Writing a love letter?"</p><p>"Fuck you."</p><p>"God, I love you."</p><p>"You don't know me."</p><p>"But, I could... and I want to."</p><p>He comes up behind me while I'm at my desk writing. His hands touch my shoulders and I can't help lean into his touch. He massages my shoulders with such tender love I just melt under his palms.</p><p>I want him to touch me in more ways than one.</p><p>"You seem tense. What's on your mind, love?"</p><p>"-you..." I think to myself... or wait... I said that out loud, didn't I...</p><p>He places his finger under my chin and tilts it upwards so my lips lock with his. Everything feel so warm, so hot. So passionate... the desire for him to fuck my pain away is clawing at my skin.</p><p>I know it's wrong... but Dan just feels so... right. I pull away anyway...</p><p>I Rest my head against him and sigh as he caresses my cheek. "We can't keep doing this."</p><p>"You don't love him."</p><p>"He's your friend."</p><p>"I don't care. I want a chance with you."</p><p>"And that's worth losing everything with him?"</p><p>"You have nothing with him. You have feelings for me. I am his friend and I am willing to let that go for you. See? It's a price only I have to pay. And willingly." He laughed and kissed me on the forehead. "Let's be real, Phil, he treats you like shit. You know it, I know. We all know it. Why do you stay?"</p><p>"..." I pull away from him entirely, close my journal and leave the room. "I don't wanna talk about it."</p><p>"... I still need an answer on that date."</p><p>"Yeah, well, I wouldn't hold my breath."</p><p>"Is that a no?"</p><p>"It's a 'get out of my house before my boyfriend gets back and maybe I'll get back to you on that' now leave."</p><p>"Thomas just left for work," he smirks and pulls me back in by the waist.</p><p>"So, what? I don't want you here."</p><p>"I talked to your mum. She gave me her number. She really doesn't like Thomas, does she?"</p><p>"Yeah? So?"</p><p>I think I'm in love with him.</p><p>"And because you won't, she told me some things about you. Some... pretty cute things."</p><p>Oh, great. "... Like what?"</p><p>"You really want a dog."</p><p>"Everyone wants a dog. That's not cute, just human nature."</p><p>"You want a corgi. You also love cats even though you're allergic. How adorably tragic."</p><p>His damn smile... stop being so cute, you Fucker. "Anything else she told you?"</p><p>His smile slowly disappeared. "... That you had a crush on Thomas even when you dated other people."</p><p>I wonder if it's possible to disown your mother yet.</p><p>"Yeah. I was desperate. And I made choices that I still regret... anything else?"</p><p>"... You're a passionate person, Phil. It seems when you fall in love, you fall hard. I wanna have that affect on you."</p><p>If only you knew the affect you have on me now.</p><p>He holds my chin up to meet his lips. He kisses me along my chin and behind my ear, and whispers, "Let me love you..."</p><p>His lips trail down my neck to the nape. He kisses me harder, biting, licking. I whimper and moan pathetically. This man really has me going weak in the knees for his magical tongue.</p><p>"Alright, fine," I whine. "I'll come to your house."</p><p>Dan pulls off from my neck, leaving two big hickies, leaving a trail of kisses up my neck and landing on my mouth. He kisses me softly then more passionately before he pulls away completely.</p><p>"Now go," I tell him.</p><p>"I'm gonna think about you on my way out," he smirked.</p><p>"Don't." I couldn't help but laugh as he leaves. God, he's just so cute.</p><p>God, I hate feeling things so much...</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas is calling me again. I'm only going for a walk to clear my head. I assume he's upset because I didn't tell him where I was going. I don't think I've ever heard of a bigger hypocrite than him.</p><p>It just makes me so angry. So annoyed... so sad.</p><p>I've wasted so many good years on him and I'm wasting away now clinging to a dead relationship. Happiness is right within my reach and all I have to do is take it. I don't need him. I don't need him anymore. I don't... need... him.</p><p>The sex doesn't feel as passionate, he never says goodbye or that he loves me, he never let me meet his friends, he clearly doesn't trust me...</p><p>I don't trust him. Do I even want him anymore?...</p><p>I don't know.</p><p>I want Dan. I know that for sure.</p><p>But... maybe Thomas isn't all that bad... I mean... if he's calling me this much it must mean that he definitely still wants me.</p><p>But what does matter? If he wants me he should act like it all the time, not just when he's scared he's lose me. I just... I just wish he would treat me like he use to.</p><p>What use to be frequent pecks and make out sessions as he passed me by through the day have now become meaningless, empty, uncomfortable kisses before sour and uneventful sex. Of course the sex is usually only after we have fights so bad we say things we're not sure we can take back and so be fuck instead of apologizing because we're not sure we would even mean it.</p><p>Yeah... I'm really pathetic.</p><p>Dan calls. My heart jumps.</p><p>What could he want? Does he want me to come over now? Are we gonna kiss some more? Please?</p><p>"What do you want?" I rudely pick up the phone.</p><p>"Alright. Chill, bitch. There's an arcade a few blocks from where I live and I'm very fucking bored. Wanna go?"</p><p>"Are you gonna kiss me again?" Gosh could I be more obvious.</p><p>He snorts and says, "Someone's thirsty," and hangs up.</p><p>Wow. Fuck you.</p><p>My phone buzzes and my hand and I nearly drop it from the shock.</p><p>"I'll pick you up wherever you are."</p><p>Fine. Be that way. I can play cool, too.</p><p>I text him the street I'm on and he's here within 15 minutes. It takes us about the same amount of time to get to the arcade.</p><p>It's dark except for the various machine games lighting the place. It smelled kind of odd but there are piles of trash thrown across the floor so I can only guess what might be causing it. The children scream every five seconds and I can't tell if a game has been one, someone broke a nail, or if they are being kidnapped.</p><p>"Dan, why are we here."</p><p>"I thought you'd enjoy a good distraction from the boyfriend you love so much," he smirked as he must have thought he was being funny.</p><p>"Right... And?" I roll my eyes.</p><p>"... Truth be told, I..." I look back at him as his tone changes to hesitant, almost cautious sounding. Not as confident and high as when he was joking. "I wanted to see you again... is that alright?"</p><p>Is he asking for permission to miss me? Goddamnit why is he so cute. His lips look so pink and soft right now. And kinda chapped. So kissable. I bet I could moisturize them.</p><p>"Phil?-"<br/>"Yes? Sorry. I," good thing he snapped me out of it I was about to attack him, "... let's just look for a game."</p><p>Dan gave me a confused look, eyes narrowing as though he's worried and his lips pressing to a straight line like he feels it's better to not say anything about it. "Good."</p><p>We find a DDR game and to my surprise he was really good at it. Our legs were moving so fast it didn't take long for us to perspire. I couldn't help but look over at him a few times and I know this is gross, but the way the sweat ran over his neck and made it look shiny and tender made me want to but him.</p><p>We finished the game and both of us got pretty good scores. We were both heaving breathes and sweating like water was sprayed on us. It felt good. It's almost like we had sex.</p><p>"Well, I'm hungry."</p><p>"And thirsty," I added. "I don't wanna eat here there's kids coughing everywhere."</p><p>"Yeah... let's go somewhere else."</p><p>"... We can go back to yours... and order some pizza?"</p><p>"I'd like that," he smiled.</p><p>We made it to his house and ordered barbecue chicken pizza with a crap ton of vegetables on it. Probably the best thing I've ever eaten pizza wise. I enjoyed this, eating with him, in his home. It almost felt like I belonged here. Sitting across from him on his floor and I could see he had two cute little freckles that make a frowning face when he smiles on his cheek. It's like every part of him screams adorable and perfect... perfect for me. But... was I perfect for him?</p><p>"Dan... why do you like me?"</p><p>He stops eating the pizza and turns to look at me. Please don't. It only makes this harder...</p><p>"Well, of course I like you. You're-"</p><p>"Thomas is your best friend. Friends don't steal their friends' boyfriends."</p><p>"Phil, I-"</p><p>"If this is some stupid competition between you two just to fuck with me I'm gonna leave."</p><p>"..." There was nothing but silence for what felt like an hour when it was only ten seconds.</p><p>"You gonna let me talk now?"</p><p>"... What do you want from me?"</p><p>"Listen. I was feeling really lonely when I bumped into you. And at first I thought you were just really cute and maybe we could fuck. Then, we started talking and I kinda picked up on that fact that you had a boyfriend and I almost gave up. But, you called me and asked me out and I didn't know what to do with myself I was so happy." I smiled. I'm glad I had that affect on him. "When we went on that date and started talking... I realized hey we're both broken, lonely people. Why not be broken and lonely together."</p><p>"What makes you think I'm broken?" I pretend I'm offended when I know damn well I am.</p><p>"You're still with a guy who you fell out of love with ages ago because he's probably the first person to make you feel loved in a world that hates people like us."</p><p>Right on the fucking nose.</p><p>He continued. "Phil, I like you because when I'm with you, I feel like I'm home. It's not just about us having similar music tastes or you being as big of a nerd as me. Honestly that could be anyone in the world. But you're so beautiful. The way you talk, the way you look, how I just wanna see you happy... and I wanna be the one who makes you happy... is that alright?"</p><p>"I think I love you..." I think to myself...</p><p>Or at least I thought I said that in my head.</p><p>Dan's eyes widen and his mouth parted slightly in surprise at my words. His hand reaches up to my cheek and his face moves closer to mine. Is he gonna kiss me? Oh god do I want him to kiss me....</p><p>But... I just... can't.</p><p>I tear my head away from the moment and stand up away from him. He looks up at me  in shock. He must be horrified that he's done something wrong.</p><p>"I'm... I'm so sorry," my voice shakes. It's only now that I realize I'm crying. Why am I crying? I have to get out of here. "I have to g-go... I'm... s-so s-sor-... sorry..." I raise my hand over my mouth as tears flow down my cheeks. I began to hyperventilate and Dan stands up to try to console me. I jerk away from him and run out of his home, downstairs and outside. I take a cab home and the whole way there I try to wipe my tears away before anyone else sees me but to no avail. I can't figure out what my problem is, but I know I'm freaking out and I just feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm running out of air.</p><p>The cab stops in from of my home and I run upstairs into my apartment where I am welcomed by Thomas and his friends with worried looks from all of them.</p><p>"Oh my god, Phil, are you okay?" Thomas asks.</p><p>"I... I'm sorry..." I run off to my room and close the door. I searched for my journal and a pen and wrote down every feeling I could identify.</p><p>Ungrateful whore came up quite a lot. It sums up how I'm feeling right now anyway. After I had finished dumping my feelings into my book, I crashed on my bed, wiped my tears away for a final time and fell asleep.</p><p>Three hours later, Thomas came in and woke me up.</p><p>"What do you want...?" I practically growl.</p><p>"Wanna tell me what that was about earlier?"</p><p>"Am I allowed to say no?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>Great.</p><p>"Phil, I know we've been having problems, but if something is bothering you this much, you can always talk to me."</p><p>Would you forgive me if I'd fallen for another guy? "I miss the way we use to be. In high school. When you payed more attention and made me feel loved."</p><p>"Alright. I'm sorry." He almost sounds sincere. "I promise I'll work on it."</p><p>I finally turn over to look at him. "You really will?"</p><p>"We haven't gone out on a date in a while. How would you like that?"</p><p>"I'll choose the place."</p><p>"Good cause you know I'm indecisive about that type of stuff."</p><p>"You'll spend time with me and tell me where you're going when you leave."</p><p>"Yes. I'm sorry that I did that. I guess I just... somewhere I got a bit lazy. I'll work harder for our relationship. From now on. I promise."</p><p>"And no more sex instead of working out our problems."</p><p>"But can we still have sex?"</p><p>I don't know why my heart is beating so fast, but I know for a fact it's not out of love. It feels more like a bell tolling. I feel like I'm dying. "We can still have sex."</p><p>"Cool, cool... Can we have sex right now?"</p><p>"For what?"</p><p>"What do you mean 'for what'? 'For old times sake' how about that. Because we haven't in a while, that's why."</p><p>Before I know it he's in front of me, kissing me slowly and cupping both sides of my face. I almost feel like I'm trapped. He pushes me on my back as we're slowly making out and his hands travel down to my butt. He squeezes me and I let out a grunt. He must have perceived it as a sign of pleasure because he kept doing it when really his touch made me want to recoil. He's reaching his hand up to caress my stomach slide down into my pants.</p><p>It feels wrong. This feels wrong and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I don't want to do this at all, but I can't just not do it. He's my boyfriend and I'm suppose to love him.</p><p>Maybe if I pretend I still love him, this can work. How do you pretend you still love something when you really can bare the sensation of it? Projection.</p><p>Dan. I love Dan, so all I have to do is pretend that this is him and I can get through this.</p><p>I realize I haven't actually touched him that much since we started. I basically just laying here watching him rub all over me. I close my eyes and picture Dan.</p><p>It's Dan squeezing my ass. It's Dan biting my neck. It's Dan grinding against me, making my pants wet.</p><p>Now I'm biting a corner of my lip and letting loose soft moans. I'm hard as a rock and I'm grinding up to meet Thomas' movements. He looks down at me and grins.</p><p>"Someone's excited." He smirks.</p><p>"Shut up," I breathe out.</p><p>"Should I go faster with this?"</p><p>I roll my eyes, wrap my legs around him and turn us over so he's the one on bottom. "Stop talking. You're ruining this."</p><p>It's hard to picture Dan when I hear Thomas' stupid voice in the background.</p><p>I take control for the rest of it, riding Thomas as if he was Dan, covering his mouth so he couldn't make to much noise. That was probably mean, but I got off the way I wanted and he got to have sex so it worked both ways. He fell asleep next to me naked and I couldn't stand it. I put on my briefs and searched for my phone across the room.</p><p>Dan had texted me ten times. I rush to respond to him to let him know I'm okay.</p><p>"Did I do something wrong?" He immediately texts back.</p><p>"No. I just wasn't ready yet."</p><p>I'm just not ready to move on yet. I'm sorry.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I am in a particularly bad mood today. Today is the last day before Thomas and his friends go to Vegas and he thought it would be a good idea for us to spend some time together before he leaves for two weeks. But he woke me up. I was having a nice dream about Dan. We were married and had a dog. It was paradise. Needless to say I'm a bit grumpy from that, but I'm doing my best to hold it together.</p><p>Lately I have realized that I do still care about Thomas. He's made me so happy. He saved me when I was at my lowest point. To leave him now only because I've met someone else would be the worst way to repay him. I don't know for sure that I've fallen out of love with him, so until I am, I can't keep doing this thing... whatever it is... with Dan. No matter how tempting.</p><p>We're walking around the park and he's holding my hand so tight I can feel the sweat forming at the pores of his palm. My hand is about to lose circulation. It's very uncomfortable. This really couldn't wait till the afternoon?</p><p>Dan sends me a text. It's a meme about a dinosaur saying 'yeet' I have no reason to find this so funny, but I am struggling to keep my composure and not bust a gut cackling like an idiot. Maybe I'm just that tired and irritated and this was just the perfect distraction.</p><p>"Everything okay?" Thomas asks with a slight chuckle. He's probably hoping I'll tell him what's so funny. I don't.</p><p>"Nothing, it's stupid." I say, still choking back a laugh. I know he's gonna ask me again and I don't have the patience for him to ruin my humor by probing for an explanation. Also, I'd rather him not know it's from Dan. I change the subject. "Can we get some ice cream?"</p><p>"No. You're lactose intolerant."</p><p>"Fine. I'm hungry. Buy me food."</p><p>"Technically, you can buy yourself food, but I'll give since I'm a good boyfriend- uh... heh... yup..."</p><p>I threw my gaze at him, watching as he choked on his words. That was so... painfully awkward I can't even begin to understand.</p><p>You know what? I'm not even gonna ask.</p><p>"So, where are we eating?"</p><p>"You in the mood for vegan?"</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>He's acting weird. And unfortunately not the 'he's quieter than usual' weird. He hasn't shut up since we sat down in the restaurant. It's an Indian place that only serves vegetarian food. I've never been here before and I like it so far, but I'd enjoy it much better if he'd stop talking to me about- about...</p><p>Sheesh. I don't even know what he's talking about. He's just droning on and it started to sound like a buzzing noise. After two minutes of trying to pay attention, I realized he's just talking about the trip, everything he's gonna do there, the people he's bringing. Like I didn't already know. It's not that I don't care... well, at least right now I don't, but he's told be so many times before. Last night we watched a movie, I think it took place in Vegas, and I can't remember anything else because he wouldn't stop talking through it about the room service at the hotels or something like that.</p><p>I tried so hard to leave it alone. I think I ground half a millimeter of my molars away.</p><p>"How are you enjoying the food?"</p><p>That felt so out of the blue for a moment I thought he was just asking someone else or himself. "It's great! I definitely wouldn't mind coming here again sometime."</p><p>I need to leave for work soon. Perfect excuse to leave. I'm really starting to wonder why I still want to be with him. Literally the only thing keeping me going is gratitude. But that's starting to die out quickly. And yeah, I may be interested in Dan, but I'd never go as low as to cheat on somebody. Not even Thomas. Despite his history of doing it to someone else with me.</p><p>Probably the shittiest thing I've ever allowed myself to do. Although I'd like to think we're both better than that now.</p><p>"What's on your mind, babe?" He grabs my hand from his side of the table and I feel a strong urge to jerk away from him. I'm fighting like a champ. "You seem kind of distant."</p><p>"... Just... thinking about things... video games. Animal crossing."</p><p>He stares at me and gives an awkward smile and takes his hand off of mine. "Okay... well, are you gonna miss me on my trip?"</p><p>"I'll miss your determination to fix things between us." I state maybe a little too honestly.</p><p>He laughs and takes a sip of his drink. "Okay. That's fair. I'll miss cuddling you at night."</p><p>"Alright." I guess maybe I'll miss that too. "I'll miss playing video games with you."</p><p>"I'll miss your cooking."</p><p>"... I miss feeling important."</p><p>...<br/>Shit! I said that out loud.</p><p>"What do you mean by that?"</p><p>"Nothing. I should leave I have work in a half hour."</p><p>"Phil, wait. There's something I should tell you."</p><p>He looked so serious. His face was stern, he wasn't making eye contact with anything other than the table. He's shaking.</p><p>"What is it?"</p><p>"I... I... Wh-where do you see this relationship going?"</p><p>That's a loaded question. One that I don't believe he really cares to ask. "Oh... well... I don't know. Marriage. Dogs. Maybe a kid. Normal stuff I guess. Why are you asking all of a sudden?"</p><p>"Because... Nothing. I'm sorry. Enjoy your day at work, babe." He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. It was hesitant. Like he was very unsure about something. Gosh. He really is just so... weird. I don't know maybe I actually like that about him because it keeps things interesting.</p><p>"Alright... Love you." I stand up and wave goodbye before I walk out of the restaurant. That was just all types of awkward.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Day of departure bitch!"</p><p>"Wake the fuck up im tryna love you.</p><p>"Bitch."</p><p>Dan blew up my phone and I wanted to hurt him. He's cute, but I need sleep.</p><p>"I am trying to sleep, Daniel." I respond finally.</p><p>"Too bad. Come outside I'm here."</p><p>What the hell?</p><p>I jump up out of bed and run to look out my window and just as he said, he was there staring at his phone one minute and gazing up at me the next. Jesus.</p><p>"Why are you here? It's 6:00 a.m. . Go home."</p><p>"No. Come outside, Lester."</p><p>I keep believe I'm actually listening to him.</p><p>I grab my shoes, a jacket, my keys and wallet and I rush out in my star was pj pants and purple T-shirt. I get down and we're clearly not dressed for the same occasion. I'm in my night clothes and Dan's dresses like an emo DJ, in a black hoodie under a leather jacket, and black ripped jeans and black shoes.</p><p>I was hit all at once by his chocolate swirl curly hair, the rosy red mole on his soft dimpled cheek, his dimples gosh he's just a cute little pastry dish, I could eat him up and lick the plate.</p><p>"So, what am I doing out here, Daniel?"</p><p>"It's 'Dan'. And we're going for a walk."</p><p>He didn't tell me where he just started walking and I only followed him because... well, he's cute. That's it. And he's interesting when he talks. Even if he talks a lot.</p><p>We started talking about our past relationships and I was surprised to hear that he had girlfriend that he actually fell in love with and had sex with.</p><p>"Wait... I thought you were gay..."</p><p>Dan sighed and uncomfortable sigh. I can tell he doesn't like to think about it often. "I'm basically gay. My relationship with is a little weird it's not like I'm not attracted to them... I just feel a strong attachment to men that I can't explain very well. I just realized it was there one day... and I met people. It felt deeper than anything I ever felt with a women. Doesn't mean what I felt with my girlfriends weren't real to me though."</p><p>"That sounds pretty queer." I couldn't come up with anything better to respond with to his profound analysis of his sexuality. I only gave a short sarcastic answer to keep the conversation going, but... he turned to look at me and, he stopped walking. His eyes went wide and his mouth pulled into a smile.</p><p>"Yeah," He said, " ... I like that. 'Queer'. That sounds right. I guess I'm queer."</p><p>He faced back ahead and started walking again. My heart felt like it was giving birth to a supernova.</p><p>What the fuck? Why is he so ethereal? I'm seriously questioning the lack of his presence in my life. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't meet Thomas' friends or I would've dumped him ages ago.</p><p>He's such a nerd. But like... a sexy nerd. It's quite powerful actually. The way he talks... the subject matter is kind of depressing, yet inviting simultaneously. He talks about how he wish he could do more to help people, people like himself, queer and mentally ill, and others like poor people, disabled people, racial minorities. He's an atheist, but he supports those who still care about religion.</p><p>I'm not the most religious person, but I believe in something, so I guess that's kind of important to me.</p><p>He's just so perfect. He's everything I prayed for in a boy as a child and to think I settled for Thomas.</p><p>That's so... depressing.</p><p>"Joe Jonas or Nick Jonas?" I asked him half seriously.</p><p>"Nick. No question."</p><p>Right answer. "I think I'm obsessed with his cute squishy face."</p><p>I look back at Dan and I realize I probably have a type.</p><p>"Oh, yes and those arms!" Dan fans himself with his hand dramatically and I laughed into palm covering my awkward looking teeth. "I didn't talk much about my attraction to guys as a kid. I don't even do it around my friends even though most of us are... not straight. It feels weird being this comfortable with someone. Thank you."</p><p>Dan is smiling. But... it's weird... it's like he's speaking with his whole body. His back stands tall and confident, yet his hands are hooked on his pockets as his shoulders slouch unevenly. His face is bright and wide and... he's glowing. It's like he's happy, but he's almost afraid to show it.</p><p>"Dan... I," I can't really explain what I'm feeling. Although it can be thrown into the category of me falling more in love with him. Because no matter the emotion... I get the feeling in the end I always wanna end up in his life... in his arms.</p><p>"We're here."</p><p>Where? What? "What?"</p><p>Oh. This is his house.</p><p>I walked in and I could tell he had lit a candle. It smelled great... but that's kinda dangerous. I won't hold it against him though.</p><p>"So...," he began, "the last time you were here, you ran out in tears. I'm hoping today won't be a repeat of that... and that that'll be the last time." He chuckled nervously.</p><p>"I doubt it," I answer honestly with a smile.</p><p>He gave half of a smile as he took his jacket off and sat down on the bench in front of his piano.</p><p>"So... I'm going to play a song for you... I hope you like it."</p><p>The song was so soft and gentle. Phil has never heard it before, but the is being painted so clearly... beautifully...</p><p>A struggle. Will they, won't they... should they even...</p><p>Yes, they should. They would work so wonderfully together. Why not?</p><p>Just one word. All I could do with one word. I could ruin everything and begin something new... maybe something better?</p><p>I don't know. I guess we can leave it at maybe for now.</p><p>The song is finished. And my heart aches. I don't know why I feel like clutching but chest, but I restrain myself. I don't want Dan to think there's anything wrong with me.</p><p>"You're not going to cry, are you?" He interrogates me. "I'm sorry was it to sad sounding?"</p><p>"What? No! I..." I don't really know what to say. My feelings are everywhere right now. I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces and put myself back together again, but I'm broken. I've always been broken.</p><p>To broken...</p><p>And I can't rely on Dan to fix me. But damn do I wish I could.</p><p>"... Um... are you okay?"</p><p>I realize I haven't said anything for a whole minute now. I've just been staring down at the hardwood floors, eyes wide and straining back threatening to fall tears.</p><p>I cover my eyes and force a soft chuckle in an attempt to hide my whirlwind of emotions. "Uh... yeah, yeah. I'm fine." I sniffled a bit and wiped my eyes. "That was a beautiful song. What's it called?" I bravely decide to look him in the eye pretending as though tears weren't just prickling at the corners of his eyes.</p><p>"Easily by Bruno Major...."</p><p>"I like it. I like it a lot."</p><p>Silence. It wasn't uncomfortable. But I just wish I knew what to say next.</p><p>"Ready to eat?" He finally spoke.</p><p>And... now I do know to say... "I... don't think we should."</p><p>"Why not? What's wrong?" Dan frowned with worry.</p><p>"Nothing...," I sigh," nothing. It's just... I really can't leave Thomas. Not right now.... after everything we went through I can't just throw it all away for something I'm not even sure about." I stand up, holding eye contact with Dan. "And I'm not about to cheat on him. That's just too wrong."</p><p>Dan stood up from the piano and walked up to Phil. He looked sad... but understanding. "Thank you for even letting me try," he laughed slightly.</p><p>"I wanna be your friend still." I add hopefully.</p><p>"Wow, now I friend zoned." Dan laughed his typical jolly laugh that I love so much and I laughed my typical giggle. He hugged me and I hugged him.</p><p>We held each other tight. Like this was the last time. I hope it's not.</p><p>"I'll see you later. Friend."</p><p>"You, too, friend."</p><p>We pulled apart with equally melancholy smiles and one last longing look into each other's eyes before I left out the door and headed back home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I've been thinking a lot... about love.</p><p>What was it that made me fall in love? With Thomas... with Dan...</p><p>Am I even really in love? Or am I just lonely?</p><p>God I'm so stupid. I obviously can be both. I just... I don't know. I'm tired. But I need... to get up. I have to meet my brother at the airport.</p><p>My brother, Martyn Lester. I look up to him a lot. He's the first one I came out to. I think I annoy him a bit. But that's just the role of a typical baby brother.</p><p>Anyway...</p><p>He's visiting because I asked him to keep me company so I have no reason to hang out with Dan. That's a thing, right? Using your siblings to boost your own self control?</p><p>... I guess.</p><p>If not, I just made it a thing.</p><p>"What on Earth are you doing, Philip? Are you trying to draw attention to us?" Martyn worried with embarrassment.</p><p>"Oh, I don't know. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"</p><p>I'm doing that thing where you dip a straw, close the other end and carry the vacuumed juices into your mouth. Unfortunately the last drop nearly killed me.</p><p>Okay that's a bit dramatic. I choked a little. That's all.</p><p>It sent me into a coughing fit and I knocked my drink over. Now I'm slurping up the remains off the table. I paid five dollars for this tea I'm not gonna waste it.</p><p>"I understand savoring it, but this is too much. Just get another one."</p><p>"No. I don't get paid til next week."</p><p>"So, what? It's not like you're broke, are you?"</p><p>"No. I'm just saving up."</p><p>"Whatever you're disgusting. I'll buy you another one just please stop." Martyn frantically shoved my face off the table and grabbed some napkins. "Help me clean this up. What the hell are you saving so desperately for anyway?"</p><p>I smacked his hand away sarcastically and complied with his wishes.</p><p>"I uh... I think I might go away somewhere... soon."</p><p>Martyn bought another drink for me and left a huge tip before we left. My brother is kind of wealthy so he makes a rule for himself to give back as much as he reasonably can or should.</p><p>That's another reason I look up to him. I give out donations and tip handsomely once in a while as well of course, but given our financial differences I can't go as big with it like he can.</p><p>"Where did you wanna go?"</p><p>"I don't know. I wanna see a movie I think."</p><p>"No, the savings... thing. Where were you planning on going? Did you want me to go with you?"</p><p>"No. I just think at some point in the near future everything is gonna be too much and I just want the option to run away as far as possible when it happens."</p><p>"Why the fuck are you still with Thomas? You don't even like him."</p><p>"I do like him! I wouldn't be with him if I didn't like him."</p><p>"That's a weak ass argument and you know it."</p><p>"Okay, well, I mean it. I have feelings for him. Serious feelings. We've been through a lot. He had me at my worst. I've been there through his. You can't expect me to just start all over with someone new! It's not that easy!"</p><p>"Oh... little brother. Dramatic... stupid... gay little brother."</p><p>"Fuck you, het boy."</p><p>"Ouch," Martyn remarked plainly. "Listen. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. But I know a pussy when I see one. So what if you have a connection he clearly doesn't make you all that happy anymore. You're so scared of losing something old you can't see what you're missing. I know... relationships mean a lot to you. And I know when you latch on to someone you have a hard time letting go. But this thing between you and him is broken and rotten and it can't be fixed. Move on."</p><p>My chest hurts so much. I don't wanna cry so I don't.</p><p>But I really fucking want to. This isn't what I wanted. This is not why you're here. I didn't expect you to coddle me, but you didn't have to break me open either.</p><p>I drop my head in defeat. And sigh. "I'm just a failure at life, huh. My love live is shit, I have no friends, and... I'm an .. idiot." I smile painfully and sniffle my tears back.</p><p>My head hurts.</p><p>"I wanna lay down. Can we head back home?" I ask Martyn. I'm a little depressed.</p><p>"Phil... I'm sorry. You're not stupid. You're not a failure. You just have a shit boyfriend," he laughed. I laugh along with him.</p><p>"Okay. Fine. But seriously, I wanna go home."</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I love my brother. I love my brother a lot. And I've only come to realize how much he loves me. I guess I somehow convinced myself that people didn't care about me as much in my family, but I'm glad I was proven wrong.</p><p>Thomas comes home tomorrow and Martyn absolutely refuses to be here when he does. Which is... fair.</p><p>I really don't know where Thomas and I stand with each other. Not anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did.</p><p>What am I even going to say to him?</p><p>'Hey, Thomas, I had a talk with my brother and I think we should break up.'</p><p>'Thomas, I don't think we're right for each other anymore, but I still love you!'</p><p>'Thomas, please don't leave me!'</p><p>...</p><p>What the fuck, Philip?</p><p>God I'm so lame.</p><p>I really don't want to leave him. I wanna try to work things out with him. I don't wanna move on. It's always too much for me. It feels like I've been pushing a bolder up a hill for 10 years and now I'm being told to just let it roll back down. What was all that work for then?</p><p>I need to get out of my head. I don't wanna think about this anymore.</p><p>I have way too many emotions to break up with someone and not be a blubbering mess. So... I guess I'm just not gonna break up? For now?</p><p>Yes, yes. I'm pathetic and lazy. I know. And for the time being I really don't give a fuck.</p><p>"Phil, I don't understand this. Did he want us restock this shelf or replace everything?"</p><p>This is PJ. He's my coworker. I work at Barnes &amp; Nobles. He's a pretty cool guy, though I don't know much about him.</p><p>"I don't know. Read the note he left."</p><p>"I am reading the note. His writing is such shit it's hurting my eyes."</p><p>He ruffled his hair and grumbled in frustration. He sighed and stood up, crumpling up the paper in his hand.</p><p>I stared at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"</p><p>"Nothing! Nothing it's just... Fuck this. I'm gonna go home and get high... wanna come?"</p><p>So... here's the thing. I've never told anyone about this, but I sort of use to have a drug problem. I would get high so often it started to lose the affect. I've tried so much weed I could probably write a book on all the various types. It was the only thing I could think to do get through high school. How no one found out is beyond me. Or maybe they just didn't care. Anyway, I haven't smoked since my first college exam.</p><p>And now?</p><p>Well... mentally... I'm hanging on by a thread. I could use a break from feeling things.</p><p>"... Sure."</p><p>We're on his couch watching adventure time and the edibles finally set in after only an hour.</p><p>It's... an interesting feeling I'm feeling right now. Tingly? Floaty?</p><p>Have you ever fell asleep on your hand and you finally realize when you wake up so you move so your arm can finally breathe and then that cool rush of blood comes in and for a few moments your hand feels like somebody else's hand?</p><p>Yeah, that. That's what this feels like. I... needed. This.</p><p>"PJ... what's on your mind...?"</p><p>"The ice man... he just needs love.... some love... yeah."</p><p>"Ice... king?"</p><p>"... Yeah."</p><p>"Do you need love...?"</p><p>"No... I need chips... Do you need love?"</p><p>"I... need... a dog..."</p><p>"Everyone does..."</p><p>"I've never blown off... work to... get... high before. You've called out sick a lot... is this why...?"</p><p>"Nah... I'm an upstanding functional... ... ... ..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"Damn..."</p><p>"Citizen...?"</p><p>"Yeah!... hehe yeah..."</p><p>"You're full of shit, bro."</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>The high wore off in our sleep. I woke up with a migraine. That's never fun. I check my phone and I got a message from Instagram. I don't know who it is, but they sent a video. Everything hurts. My screen is too bright for me to watch.</p><p>PJ's arm is draped around my leg and his face is on my ass, drooling a puddle on my pocket. "PJ... PJ. Get up. I gotta go."</p><p>"Mmmgh."</p><p>I nudge him off until he moves on his own. "Come on, dude. Lock the door behind me when I leave."</p><p>I get home and the door is already open. Creepy. But I don't care.</p><p>Then I remember that Thomas is supposed to be back by now. I still don't care.</p><p>By the time I got to my room more videos were sent to me on Instagram and I just didn't have the energy to watch. It's probably just a spam bot anyway.</p><p>I slowly creep under my blankets so I don't irritate my migraine any more. More videos were sent. And finally, a message.</p><p>Fine, I'll answer.</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>I... shouldn't have looked.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Why are you doing this to me?" My voice is shivering with disbelief. Broken trust and disgust.</p><p>"You needed to know the truth. I'm sorry." He, the voice coming through on my phone, speaks with remorse.</p><p>They were fake. Yeah that's it. They had to be! I'm clearly just losing my mind right now...</p><p>"Don't ignore this, Phil. He doesn't love you. This only proves it." He's raising his voice at me. It almost breaks a couple of times.</p><p>He's lying. He's pulling a prank on me. That's gotta be it!</p><p>"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry you had to find out like this..." He explains.</p><p>Bullshit! It's not real. What is he even saying? Who is this? Who are you?!</p><p>"Who even are you?! Why do you have these?! How did you take them?!" I scream at him, tears pouring out of my eyes.</p><p>"I'm sorry..."</p><p>... How long... how long did...</p><p>"How long did you know...?"</p><p>"... ... ..."</p><p>"Answer me! Now!... please..."</p><p>"We all knew... since the beginning. This the only way to be sure you'd believe me."</p><p>They... all knew...</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>...</p><p>Dan... knew?</p><p>"Hey, babe? I'm home! Did you miss me?"</p><p>My breath is... shaky... my mind is... hazy... my blood is... boiling... my heart...</p><p>"Thomas...?"</p><p>"Who's on the... phone...? Phil?... you o...kay?..."</p><p>He approaches me hesitantly with caution. Tears are streaming hot and salty down my face. I am still as a stone as I stare straight ahead at him. He ceases dead in his tracks as his eyes slowly fall upon the pictures displayed on my phone.</p><p>"... ... ..."</p><p>"I can explain."</p><p>"Phil?... you still there...?"</p><p>"I'll... call you back. Later."</p><p>I hang up.</p><p>Now it's just me an him.</p><p>And soon... it will be only me.</p><p>"Phil, baby, please let me explain!"</p><p>He's getting closer. Too close. I jump up and dash paste him out the door, and soon out of the apartment. I don't look back. I don't want to. Why would I? What is there to look back at? Exactly. Nothing. Nothing that matters now.</p><p>That's it. It's all over. And it was all... for nothing.</p><p>I'm still going. Still sprinting down the streets. My chest hurts. My legs feel numb. My face is burning with tears. I think I feel a bit of snot sliding down my lips. It feels gross. I feel gross. I feel dirty. I wanna set myself on fire.</p><p>How could he do this to me? I thought he... I thought... I thought... I...</p><p>What... what was I thinking...</p><p>That we could be together forever? That we could have children together? How naive of me. I don't deserve that. I never did. I never will. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything.</p><p>I just wanna die.</p><p>Two more blocks. That's all. If I speed up just a little I can get there faster. I rolled over my ankle and it hurts like hell now, but I push through it.</p><p>I've nearly run over at least ten people. My feet hurt so much. I can't even see straight.</p><p>Oh... my glasses. They're cracked in the corner. When did that happen?</p><p>Whatever. I don't care it's not important. Not at the moment.</p><p>I just need to get to his house. That's it. Just a few more steps and...</p><p>I'm here.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dan opened the door and he looked surprised. Happy. I was neither. I was angry. Hurt. "Phil!... I... didn't know you were coming over..."</p><p>"You...you knew?"</p><p>"Um..." Dan glanced upward in thought of what I could be referencing. Nothing. "I'm sorry, what did I know?"</p><p>"You knew... that he was fucking someone else."</p><p>His smile fell. My tears fell. Of course he knew. That's why... that's why... ... ...</p><p>"Phil... I'm so... listen-"</p><p>"That's why you came after me, right because he was doing it it was fair game, right? Is that it? Is that what this was? All a fucking game to you both?!" I shove him back and he nearly falls over his own feet.</p><p>I walk in closer as I confront him on everything. Everything... it was all... a fucking... lie!</p><p>"You don't give a damn about me. You just wanted... you wanted to fuck me! Is that it! Huh?! Is it?! Did it ever occur to you that I might have developed actual feelings for you and that I was risking everything for you?! Oh, but I guess it doesn't matter, huh? Because fuck me, right? I was stupid enough to fall for a cheater and thought I wouldn't get fucked over like the last one. Silly me. Guess I should've known better... Right?!"</p><p>I barely give him a word in edgewise. I don't want to. I don't wanna hear it.</p><p>"Phil... please..."</p><p>"What?" I answer coldly. I really can't fucking care less what he had to say and I cannot even begin to fathom where he gets the fucking audacity to try and explain himself. He has no place to me right now. He's nothing... nothing but a lowly lying worm. And I have him scared. I like that.</p><p>"I'm... so sorry."</p><p>My eyes widen...</p><p>Did he really just...? As if that means a single damn thing to me? Did he think that was cute? Does he think that's enough?</p><p>My mouth widens to a sardonic laugh as I blow out a shaky seething breath. I'm so angry I could rip his arms off with my bare teeth.</p><p>Does he think this is a joke?</p><p>"... Don't." I command him. "Just... just don't."</p><p>I just realized. I'm not crying anymore. It's amazing how subtle things can change in the heat of a passing moment. I wanna blow off some steam. I'm so mad I could strangle every man within a 50 mile radius.</p><p>It's so unfair. But so... right. Dan looks cute when he's scared. He looks sexy when he's sad. I really like it.</p><p>I cover my face in my palms and I start laughing like a platinum joke was told with A plus timing.</p><p>Dan looks worried. I like that. He hurt me. He let me break. And now... I know I can break him.</p><p>"Phil... are you... gonna be-"</p><p>I kissed him. No... more like I braided our tongues together. That's how hot this kiss was.</p><p>I can feel it. He's scared. Scared he's gonna lose me. He's scared he's gonna lose me before he even gets a taste.</p><p>I'll give him a taste. I'll give him something that'll leave him sleepless thinking about me for nights on end.</p><p>I pull away from him. More like I angrily jerk away from him. He's so greedy. The way his lips dive back in for more when he knows fuck well that he doesn't deserve shit.</p><p>I slap him, back handed. He stumbles over and uses his free hand to regain his balance. The other hand was used to feel his face.</p><p>He's bleeding. Good. I was hoping to leave a few marks when I came over here.</p><p>I look at him and wait. He comes crawling back just as expected.</p><p>Dan runs back up to me and holds me up against the wall as he licks, sucks, and bites on the nape of my neck. My anger had my blood rushing especially full through my veins. Dan thought he was being cute sucking on my pooping veins and drawing blood, making me gasps as he grinds against my hard place.</p><p>I dig my nails into his back and he groans in pain and pleasure. He grips my ass and pushes himself deeper between my legs, creating a motion that sent shockwaves down my legs, through my feet, out the tips of my toes. My back was practically jelly.</p><p>He pulls off the nape of my neck with an obnoxious pop. I was ready to smack him again. I held off though. I'm too in the moment.</p><p>He leaves feathering kisses along every visible centimeter of my neck. I'm getting impatient. I'm getting fed up.</p><p>I shove him off. He stumbles back looking dazed in sexual desire. I can tell he doesn't mind me knocking him around. He feels bad. He should. He wants to be punished. Good. I wanna punish him.</p><p>I walk into his room. He follows me like a puppy and his master.</p><p>This feels too good, too easy.</p><p>I want him to hurt. I wanna break him so bad. "Get on the bed." I growl.</p><p>Dan stood there, mouth gaped and slightly heaving his breathe. His eyes glossed over with a thin layer of regret sexual tension, self hatred. It shouldn't be long before his tears finally fall. "Phil, I-I don't think," he started, but I really don't wanna hear him finish.</p><p>"Shut the fuck up!" I cut him off. He jumped and I can tell the base in my voice shook him too his core. I may have almost scared myself if I weren't so busy being pissed off him. "Get on the goddamn bed. Right. Now."</p><p>He did as he was told without further hesitation. I cock my head to the side and look him up in down. He looks so vulnerable and guilty. God I wanna punch him in the fucking face.</p><p>"Take off your shirt." I command him. He does it, slowly, nervously. Knowing I can turn him in to a sniveling mess like this gives me more than enough pleasure though I still want more.</p><p>When he finishes I take off my shirt, pull my pants off and climb on his lap. I push him down on his back and unbutton his pants. I lean down and kiss him again, but this one felt different. It felt like I was saying goodbye to something. Maybe I was in a way.</p><p>I pull off and move to his ear and I whisper "Make no mistake, boy. This is payback."</p><p>It's my turn to make you cry.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He's asleep. The tears stained his face with tracks of salt. I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek so I could taste a little bit. It felt good that I could do this to him. It's what he deserves.</p><p>I order an Uber back home. I'm too exhausted to take the walk back. Somehow I didn't realize until I sat down in the car and stared at the water droplets running down the backseat window that it was raining and I was now soaking wet.</p><p>I get home and take a shower and change into my Star Wars pajamas. I picked out a book, "The Ghosts of Belfast," and sat in the kitchen.</p><p>I should've known.</p><p>It was so fucking obvious now that I think about it.</p><p>No wonder he never came home.</p><p>I'm so stupid.</p><p>I'm so fucking pathetic it's hilarious.</p><p>I wonder if Dan's woken up by now. Maybe he's tried to drape his arm warmly around my waist and pull me close only to realize the body he so desperately craves leaves nothing but a cold vacancy. I wonder if he's crying again.</p><p>I hear the door unlock and creek open down the hall. I know it's Thomas. I don't care. I continue to read my book as if it were wind flowing in.</p><p>Thomas stops in front of me and looks at me... he's staring. Almost as if he's waiting for something.</p><p>"Where did you go?"</p><p>Right. Like he deserves to know that.</p><p>Actually... maybe I should tell him. Would he be surprised? Would he be hurt? Can I hurt him too?"</p><p>"Phil. Answer me," he demands.</p><p>I just realized I still haven't said anything. Do I really even want to? No. He broke my heart. My trust, my mental state. No, it's even more than that.</p><p>He waisted my time.</p><p>"Phil!"</p><p>Oh god he's yelling now. Should I pretend to care? No. He doesn't even deserve that.</p><p>"We need to talk about this, Phil. Please! Just... just give me a chance to explain myself."</p><p>Okay... fine. No, I actually wanna hear this. I just might laugh. "Go ahead."</p><p>"Oh, so you're done acting like a child?"</p><p>I turned a page in my book. I refuse to dignify his question with a response.</p><p>"Look, Phil... I was drunk, okay? I don't know what happened."</p><p>And suddenly I'm so tired I could pass out. This is so... boring. Does he really expect me to believe this? Should I even entertain his bullshit excuse?</p><p>I let out a deep sigh and rub the bridge of my nose. I turn another page in my book. "Okay?"</p><p>"What... what's that supposed to mean?"</p><p>"It means... 'Okay? You said what you wanted to say. Am I supposed to care?' Hell, or even believe it for that matter." I shrug him off. I can feel the air around us tense up. He's so pissed off its exhilarating.</p><p>"What's your problem?"</p><p>He's acting like he doesn't know. Ha.</p><p>"I'm telling the truth, Phil. It was an accident. That's all. Can we move on please?"</p><p>Alright... I'm done playing with him. I'm too tired for this shit.</p><p>I close my book and stand up from my chair. I look him in the eye, my face is dead straight, emotionless. He's got that scared look on his face again. "Your buddy... Mike. He texted me everything. He says you've been seeing her for years on and off. He says she's not the only one you've been fucking. He showed me all your texts and pictures of you and other people. I don't know what happened between you two, but apparently you pissed him off quite a bit over the years and now he's fed up with you. That's why he told me everything. And... there's no point in holding this off, I'm moving out. Don't worry about where I'm going. If you come anywhere near me... if you even breathe in my direction I will beat the living shit out of you. Then I'm gonna call my brother, and he's gonna fuck you up, too."</p><p>He stands still as a board in fear. I look him dead in his face as he stands there and I realize how fucking ugly he's become. His eyes, his lips, his nose... everything I once loved has now become such a damn eyesore I wanna puke. "I'm going to bed."</p><p>I leave the room and I hear nothing but dead silence for half an hour until suddenly the sound of Thomas walking out the door and locking it.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I'm all alone.</p><p>And it feels pretty damn great for once.</p><p>A month has passed since Thomas and I broke up. He hasn't come near our apartment for weeks. Good. I don't know where he is and I really don't care. I just hope he stays away long enough for me to have moved all my stuff out.</p><p>I was able to find a cheap apartment somewhere else quick enough. Most of my stuff is packed, I just need my brother to come down and help me move. Although I'm pretty sure I won't even stay home that often.</p><p>I wanna leave the country for a while. I wanna get out of my head for a bit. I'm tired of being shackled by my emotions. I wanna go wild, I wanna be free...</p><p>Now... I don't actually know what any of that means for me yet, but I know I wanna find out. Soon.</p><p>"When's the baby due?" I ask Martyn as I tape the last box closed and hand it to him.</p><p>"January. Can you imagine if my daughter is born the same day as you?"</p><p>"That would suck. I prefer to have undivided attention."</p><p>"What are you, 4?"</p><p>A couple hours later and we finally got all of my stuff in the truck. I always forget how stressful moving houses can be until I have to do it again.</p><p>Dan keeps texting me and calling me. It's annoying and satisfying. I put my phone on vibrate so it wouldn't be as bothersome.</p><p>I don't know how long I wanna keep playing with Dan's feelings. At some point I'll confront him. I lay everything out on the table. All my feelings. It'll be heavy for me to carry the weight of breaking the heart of someone I love so much. If I love him... Do I love him?</p><p>Whatever.</p><p>Fuck it... I wanna get high.</p><p>I let my brother off the hook for the rest of the day and unpacked everything myself. He went back him to his wife and embryo. A family... I could've had that with Dan. I could've had that with Thomas... at the moment I can't tell which thought sends more sweat rolling down my neck.</p><p>I call PJ and he comes over with brownies, freshly baked. "I'm lactose intolerant," I sarcastically greet him at the door.</p><p>"Dairy free. But ganja-packed like a motherfucker." He grinned like a mischievous child. "Let's get baked off our asses!"</p><p>I could've have asked for a better invitation this afternoon.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I've never had a one night stand before. I've been in 1 relationship that lasted too long since uni, the only boy I've ever fucked is Thomas, I've kissed him and Dan... I'm so fucking inexperienced.</p><p>So, I'm at a strip club.</p><p>Why? I don't know. Because I can? Because I'm single and I'm a hot heart broken mess? Take your pick all of the above will do.</p><p>"Hey, cutie! What's your name?" Some buff twink comes up to me, stroking back. I wonder if he could feel the sweat running down my back. Or maybe he can hear my heart thumping through my rib cage.</p><p>"Doesn't matter. Can we go somewhere more private?" I wonder if he can here my voice shake over the loud music and chatting.</p><p>He's taking me to a back room, low lit it's a round satin bed. There stood a dance pole to the right of the entrance.</p><p>As I lay down on the bed and climbs on top of me, I think back to when I was 13 years old and I fucking hated the idea of having sex with another human being. I mean I was a baby so that was normal. But god did people act like I was an alien. At 17 I still kinda hated sex, but if I could do it with Thomas then it was the best thing ever.</p><p>Now?</p><p>Well, I'm about to be ravaged by a muscular whore in the back room of a strip joint. And all I can think about is sucking on Dan's tongue as he caresses my love handles.</p><p>This man is kissing down my chest, but it's not his mouth it's Dan's. It's not his fingers stretching me it's Dan's.</p><p>I don't regret ending things with him, but I miss him so much I wanna cry... He finishes, but I don't. I pay him and leave and go back my house.</p><p>I keep a rolled joint in my bedside drawer and I smoke it every other day. This is the first time in a while that I'm smoking it two days in a row.</p><p>I lay down on my bed and take one long drag from the burning plant.</p><p>This feels... electrifying.</p><p>I kinda wanna die right now. This is the only way I can shut my mind off temporarily without making my family cry.</p><p>I could just sleep all day. I could sleep forever.</p><p>Wait... shit. That's still dying technically. Haha.</p><p>I wonder... if... a baby... thinks it's dying... when it's... being born...</p><p>Does Dan think of dying...because of what I did?</p><p>I don't want him to go...</p><p>Oh great... I'm... crying now... haha I'm so pathetic...</p><p>I just... I just wanna start over...</p><p>Please?</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I have yet to actually unpack everything. I've been here for 3 months now and there's still boxes everywhere. I feel like on some level this is a metaphor for my life.</p><p>I could just ask PJ for help, but we might just end up getting high.</p><p>If I'm being honest that's all I wanna do lately. That and... kill my self...</p><p>I cannot stress enough how much I hate myself.</p><p>The call of the void ring through my ears every time I stand at the top of the steps or when I approach traffic at a crossroad. It's exhausting having to reign myself back into reality and remember I'm not the only one in my life and how much trouble it'll cause for my family.</p><p>Nothing feels right anymore. It feels like there's a crack in my stone. Or a pretty picture was just doused gasoline and everything has gone up in flames.</p><p>I feel empty. Angry. Pathetic. I just really don't wanna exist anymore...</p><p>I think... I made a mistake...</p><p>Yes...</p><p>It's all I've been thinking.</p><p>I want to be with Dan. I don't wanna be alone. I hate being alone!</p><p>As I sit upright on my bed I pull my knees in close to my chest, shaking with slowly rising breath heaves and I burst with tears and loud sobs.</p><p>Good lordi wonder if the neighbors can here me. I hate myself so much what have I done! I could've been happy and I went and ruined it all...</p><p>I... did I?</p><p>Wait...</p><p>I scrambled off my bed to find my phone somewhere in my bedside drawers. Never mind why it was there I forgot. I had also forgotten if I still had Dan's number. Thank god... it's still there!</p><p>I hesitated, sweating and crying profusely, hovering my thumb over his contact. I abruptly pressed down to just get it over with and text him.</p><p>"Hey"</p><p>That's it. It's so simple. And perfect.</p><p>"Hi." He replied.</p><p>I wasn't expecting him to. I'll admit I cried harder in awe.</p><p>"Come help me unpack."</p><p>Perhaps it's a bit weird to ask someone for help after ghosting them for months, almost a year, but... this is the best I can do.</p><p>"Ok."</p><p>And somehow... he agreed to it. I must be blessed today. I'm somehow worth enough for a second chance.</p><p>I texted my address and he read the message without responding. I really don't know what to expect, but... I know what I want.</p><p>3 hours later of literally sitting on my bed and staring at a wall and I finally hear a knock at my door. He's here.</p><p>He's here... and I have no idea what to say to him.</p><p>I guess... the first appropriate thing to do would be to answer the door and say...</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Hey..."</p><p>I missed you so much...</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Have you been crying?"</p><p>Mind your fucking business. "Yes."</p><p>"Why"</p><p>Oh my god just shut up and fuck me. "I don't know. Anything labeled miscellaneous goes in that room to your right. I haven't figure out what I'm going to do with it yet so it's just going on the shelf in that room."</p><p>Dan opens up a box with the aforementioned label on it and inspects it with expectation of some sort. "Why don't you just throw it away if you don't use it?"</p><p>"I'm not a hoarder. It's just sentiment."</p><p>"Look at this." Dan holds up a broken dvd case and opens it up to behold a scratched up disk. "What the hell do you even need this for?" He laughed at me, trailing off into an awkward grunt when he realized I wasn't finding anything funny.</p><p>"That was... that was um..." shit. I might start crying again. "That was a bootleg movie that Thomas bought when we first moved in together."</p><p>"Oh," Dan stared wide eyed with regret.</p><p>"Ya know what, you're right. What's the point in keeping stupid shit like that." I take the case out of his hand and toss it in a trash bag to my side. "Go ahead. Pick up something else and see what I've been wasting space on."</p><p>My voice came out so irritated and raspy. I can feel the tears rising again. "God what the fuck is wrong with me," I throw my hands up to cover my face in embarrassment of my tears. It feels like it's a thousand degrees in here all of a sudden. Probably because Dan's seeing how much of a hot mess I am.</p><p>"What's wrong... is it me?"</p><p>I peered up at him from my hands. He looked back at me with heart wrenching concern. I can tell if I don't say anything, something, he's gonna leave.</p><p>No... I can't let that happen.</p><p>"Look I... I know that... what happened between us, it wasn't just you, okay? I shouldn't have given you a reason to keep coming after me. I should've just left Thomas. And, and... I should've never left you," I stand up and walk over to him. His eyes follow me with desire and inquiry. "I love you... so fucking much." I'm crying harder than before, sniffling like a wet rat. I feel so pathetic right now it hurts so much to exist. Even more so in front of Dan.</p><p>"I..." I start sobbing loudly in between my sentence, "I.... I missed you so much-!"</p><p>Within seconds of a lightning striking through the air, like a roaring wave of realization Dan's lips come crashing into My lips. I throw my arms up in shock and buckle my knees, nearly falling from the heat of the moment. Dan latches his hands to my love handles, stabilizing my balance to the best of his and my abilities.</p><p>I realize within seconds of us repeatedly molding out mouths together that my arms are still floating aimlessly in the air. Dan sticks his tongue in my mouth and I bring my hands up around his neck and take my ringers through his soft curly locks behind his hair.</p><p>The taste... like... cherry? Pini colada? Ethanol.</p><p>He's been drinking. Does that mean he missed me? Well, he's sucking the soul out of my face right now so...</p><p>Where's this going...</p><p>Stumbling over boxes, backing up to a wall. It's so hard to look at anything other than his face and how it moves. I do my best to feel around as we walk towards my room for a bed.</p><p>I fall back on the bed and Dan hovers down over me. We move to the center of the bed and continue our moist exchange as I wrap my legs so tightly around his waist.</p><p>Dan grabs my wrists and pins them side by side of my head and he looks down at me. It's hard to make out the emotions displayed on his face. He seemed horny as hell obviously. So much so that he can barely contain himself. But he also looked kind of pissed off.</p><p>Horny and pissed off... can't tell if that's a good look or not.</p><p>Dan starts pushing his sheathed groin up against mine. Needless to say I wasn't prepared for the sheer force behind his thrust. It's been quite awhile I had forgotten, but Dan was actually pretty damn good in bed if I can remember.</p><p>But he's... mad at me. Which has got me curious as to how things will play out today.</p><p>"You... you left me. But that's okay." Dan grunts through his sentence and I clench my eyes shut as pleasure shoots through the front side of my body. He's grasping my wrists so tight it's starting to bruise. "Don't think just 'cause I missed you I'm gonna be gentle."</p><p>And he did just as he promised, too.</p><p>Biting, sucking, fucking. We did it all. Sweaty and shameless in our bare skin as we clawed at each other for release.</p><p>I sat up against the headboard of my bed with dan's arm and my blanket draped around my waist. He's drawing circles on my hip with his index finger on one side and softly peppering kissing on the other. I run my fingers through his beautiful brown locks and caress the back of his head.</p><p>Everything feels so... right. I never want it to end. But...</p><p>How does he feel?</p><p>Whatever. I think too much...</p>
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